Beware Of The Mop

Dear Max,

Last time I wrote you a letter I warned you about the vacuum and sweaters. Today I want to talk about the mop.

As everyone knows, I do not like wet weather and it has been raining for two whole days now. I am not a big fan of snow either, but it is fun to run and slide around in. When it is raining I do not want to take my necessary business outside. I am not alone, Oscar objects to peeing in the rain, too. Toni does not care, she just likes to go outside. Emmy will go out and do her business, but wants to come right back in. Toni likes to gallop through the yard in any weather. Toni has been known to squat and pee in the floor, too. No matter how many times she is let out. She is getting better.

But, back to the last two days of cold rain. Early this morning, Gramma took Oscar, Emmy and Toni out. I can hold it until Papa wakes up, so I scooted over to Gramma's warm spot and took over the covers on that side of the bed. I heard them come back in and soon I felt Toni jumping on the bed. Then, I heard Gramma ask Oscar just what he thought he was up to. She did not sound pleased. Next thing I knew, Gramma was flinging back the covers and getting back in bed to get her feet warm. Papa was getting up and Gramma informed him that his dog had not been out yet (she was talking about me). Papa asked what Oscar had done. Oscar went out with the girl dogs, but stood next to the door crying to come back in. The girls did their business, but Oscar came in and went into the living room and pooped on the floor!!

Gramma told Papa that Oscar could not have a treat and she reminded Papa that I needed to go out. She was holding Emmy and kissing her and talking to her when I left the room and followed Papa... I wanted everything to just look normal. I got up before Gramma took the others out and I thought I should let her sleep, for her health, you know. So I kind of took care of my business in the hall and hid it under a rug. Hey, I was trying to be considerate! And ....... I figured she would think that Toni did it.

Gramma got up and made that vile tasting stuff she calls coffee. I saw her find the evidence of my night time business and clean it up. She did not say a word. I thought I would hear her call out "TONI LOUISE!!" But, she didn't. She drank the coffee. Okay, this stuff called coffee is hot and nasty tasting. Gramma drinks it black, really, that is what she calls it. If you see a cup of stuff that is hot with steam coming out, DO NOT taste it. It is awful and it will burn your tongue. Oscar says that if the cup is cold and Gramma is calling it iced coffee and it is not black, but a light color to go ahead with a taste. He likes it and says that it will make you want to run and run. I wonder if the puppy called Toni has been into some of this iced coffee .........

After Gramma sipped down two cups of the coffee, she grabbed the mop bucket and warned us dogs to make ourselves scarce. Of course, Toni did not listen, she never does. She followed Gramma and watched her fill the bucket with hot water and add bleach and floor cleaner. I was hiding under the table in front of the couch and Oscar and Emmy were on the couch. Gramma had just made all of us go outside and pee. Then she started fussing at each and every one of us! Well, not Emmy. Emmy is always so good and I have tried to hate her, but she is always so nice to me, I can't.

She asked Oscar if he thought she wanted to be mopping. Then she asked me if I thought she did not know that I was the one who made the mess in the hall. Then she told Toni to stop leaping in the air and to stop trying to grab the mop. You aren't supposed to try to answer these questions. Oscar and I were sitting together on the couch and Oscar told me that she must want to be mopping, since that is exactly what she was doing. I was amazed that she knew I was the culprit in the hall incident and Oscar just laughed at me. She fussed the entire time she was mopping. It was a long job, too. A three bucket affair. Every time she had to change the water she would tell us dogs to just look at the nasty water. Toni took it literally and would run over and stick her head in the bucket and sniff. Gramma would then tell her that bad dogs peed on the floor and Toni would wag her tail and then look at us and whisper "whatever". I have told you that Toni is not all that bright, haven't I?

Now the house smells like a pool smells. Gramma likes bleach. She says it smells clean. She told us dogs that she was going to crack down on the offenders that pee in her house. She said that we would all get to see what it would be like to live in a dog house if we kept it up.

I am confused. I thought that "being in the dog house" was just one of those things that Gramma says. Now I find out from Oscar that some dogs actually live outside and have a house that is built for dogs. This is not funny. I could not do this! How does a dog stay warm? Does Papa go out into this house for dogs and build a tiny fire to lay close to? Sometimes when I am cold, Gramma will put a blanket in the clothes dryer and then wrap me in it and I feel all toasty and warm. She does it for Papa, too. Gramma is nice like that. Toni might like the idea of staying outside in a house for dogs, but I am not going to! Oscar says that he has heard this threat before and that he is confidant that Gramma would never follow through. Emmy says that she knows that Gramma would never put her outside, but that she will not pee on the floor on purpose. I am worried, though. I really, really would not want to live in a house made for dogs. I like living in a house made for people and sitting with Gramma on the couch and sleeping with Papa in a bed with covers to keep me warm.

But, I was writing this letter to warn you about mop buckets. Never, never try to jump into a mop bucket. You are a small dog and you would not be able to get out. You could drown! That would make my boy very sad. Oh, the same goes for toilets. Be very careful, okay?

Your wise dog-friend, Wall-E